The Etiquette of Free

This past weekend I was at an athletic event where all of the sponsors were giving out free swag. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the fact that I was out partying till 5am the night before… Either way, people were just rubbing me the wrong way.

I was working at my tent where we were giving out a variety of things- leis, candy, and tickets to the UMiami vs. UCF game amongst other things. People were spinning a Wheel of Fortune kind of rig to get the prizes, and everyone was a winner. Pretty straightforward, right?

Its amazing to me how rude people can be. Every time I start to have some faith in the human race, some douche comes along and destroys it.

“Which number wins?” They all do.

“Which number do I want to win?” Whichever one makes you happy.

“Which number wins me a car?” None of them!

“Oh. I already have tickets.” Good for you. Next, please!

“I don’t want this- can I have something else?” I didn’t know that this was a buffet…

“Can I have 2?” I didn’t know that this was an all-you-can-eat buffet…

“But I wanted to get leid!” Go have another beer.

And then the kids… I got to the point where I was tired of the kids (and their drunk parents) invading my personal space. I stood tall and firm, with one foot sticking out and unmoving so that when the kids trampled by they’d trip.

The next time you’re at an event and there is free ANYTHING, please bear in mind that the company who is providing it is doing you a favor. Its not your God-given right to receive anything for free: some nice business out there decided to spend a lot of money (in many cases, thousands of thousands of dollars) to give you and all of your drunk homeboys, mooching girlfriends, and crying children something for nothing.

Here’s some tips so you don’t make a faux pas that makes you look like a stuck up bitch (which is one of the least attractive things out there):

1. TAKE ONE! Don’t ask for ‘one for your girlfriend’s sister’s unborn baby’. One is enough, and if the ‘extra person’ (if they even exist) they can very well come and get it themselves.
2. DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES! Nothing is more rude than getting something for free, then rolling your eyes when its not what you wanted, you think is stupid, or you already have. Would you do it to your grandmother who just gave you a shitty birthday present? No. So why do it to a stranger? After all, it cost money too. And that business wasn’t obligated to give you anything (and they aren’t even expecting the half-assed hug you’d give your grandmother). If the beer is free, drink it!
3. TIP! We all know that the words ‘Free’ and ‘Drinks’ don’t tend to equal ‘Wasted’, and we all know best way to get to get on a bartender’s good side is to do the simple task of tipping a fair amount. It never ceases to amaze me that many people still don’t tip on free drinks. If you’re happy with receiving a miniscule amount of alcohol in your beverage and would rather take home a tummy ache from all of the sugary margarita mixer than a buzz, be my guest. DISCLAIMER: Free drinks aren’t always shit. Anyone who has ever been to Wine Not Wednesdays at Dechoes know about Mike and Kerri’s infamous Dec-hoe Punch!
4. DON’T ASK FOR SOMETHING ELSE! Its probably Numero Uno as far as douchiness goes for free swag. Never under any circumstance as for a different gift. If you do, I think it should be acceptable for the business to turn you away empty handed. If you have the audacity to look down on something that someone is handing you free of charge, then you’re a dick.

Remember Orlando, keep it classy!